A 1970 satirical spoof of Parachutist Editor Norm Heaton’s "Off the Wind Line – with Norm."
UNDER THE WINDSOCK
Had some old-timers drop by the office the other day for a cool one. Anyone remember that daredevil pull-off artist, Moe La Tar? And what about the guy who made the chute-less jump, Rude Punk? These two informed me that they are through with skydiving now and have taken up flying bar stools. At the present time they are working on their written exams for Cardinal Puff.
On the Eastern scene, rumor has it that Loose Anborn and Jockis Tell are going into partnership on a new DZ off the northern coast of Labrador. It will be strictly a style school taught by Joy Ronson and Baric Ahor. Baric tells me the cool climate is a chief factor in turning fast style. Incidentally, for all you style freaks, Brown Eddie of Insecure Parachute Co. has informed me he has designed a reserve container in the shape of a top, to speed those turns up, and a dome shaped main to smooth out those back loops.
Also, for you accuracy buffs, Billy Lookwierd of P.I. (Parachuting Imbeciles) is currently testing the Para Yellow Vollo Flex Wing Machine. It is one of the newest cram-air foils. Designed by Strong Teddy of East Squantum, this revolutionary new product has literally hundreds of advantages over others made previously. Some of these hot extras include a horn for downwind approaches exceeding 65 mph. Turn signals for stacked openings. Disc brakes to lock right in on target, and reverse in case one overshoots. Dim Pointer and Squatty Hamilton are writing safety articles on the machine which will be ready for print 18 months after the machine has been released to the public.
Back in the Midwest, I received a suggestion from Captain Vague D. Idiot of the Air Force Academy as an addition to the BSR’s. Quote: “In the event of a total malfunction of both parachutes, one should then try to track over a highway, rock quarry or some other solid surface in an attempt to knock themselves out”. Captain Idiot has just recently returned from a tour of duty in Vietnam where he was awarded his section 8.
Down Dallas way Greg Fudget, Chris Rancid and Bruce Shrewdsteak got Texas’ first 10-man star underway. And in Z-Hills, Florida Jeff Cereals is throwing a 2nd serial 10-man star meet this Thanksgiving. Should have quite a turnout.
Art Hamstring, owner and operator of the Graft School of Short Parachuting, wrote in an accident report the other day involving Weary Toad of Wart/Venereal Jumpsuits. Weary, winner of last year’s Rum Dum Relative Work Award, apparently fell asleep while working in on a big star. As a result, he collided with the pin man.
The impact woke Weary up, but in turn knocked the pin man unconscious. Mr. Toad stayed awake just long enough to watch the other jumper’s Sentinel activate. He then dumped himself and quickly dozed off again, croaking something about spastic pins.
The biggest news this year is relative work. There have been numerous advances made for the benefit of relative workers everywhere in the past year, and it is with a great sense of achievement that we all here stand. The criteria therefore here set forth, for the format being in conjunction with the aftermath, has finally arrived.
This year, as far as big star contests are concerned, has been the biggest and best ever. There has been a new relative work gig added to the Nationals produced and directed in part by the father of mathematical fall, Snatch Grannyson. Snatch has been around for years.
Also, large star attempts have been the order of the day at a few California DZ’s. Such enormous asteroids as 16 to 20-man stars have been slung together in one entwining wristlock of love and joy by gigantic star producers as Hurl Haley Jr., Cherry Meyers and Jerry Bugg with his wife, Lady. Hurl, as you all remember, is famous for his article legalizing jumpsuit clutching on star attempts. Jerry Bugg used to jump with the Starvin Blow Flies and is really a sweet dud, but split for greener skies when the Blow Flies had a poor season. Cherry Meyers isn’t famous for anything.
A lot of excellent footage has been shot this year of all phases of relative work by that faithful freefall flick filmer, Curl Squeamish. Curl has plans of releasing his latest skydiving movie entitled “Sky Bloopers.” Filmed entirely at Smelsomore, California, it has many unique scenes, such as when Snag Swaggart (half owner and operator of the Tipsy Moth Bar in Wheetier) coming into a 14-man star, suddenly develops epilepsy, and in between thrashing spasms, appears to being doing inverted chin-ups on his set of wrists.
Another gag shot is of Normandy Heatin absent-mindedly spitting his Beechnut in freefall while test jumping the Bubble Shield. Another great star shooter, cool camera guy is Gay Rottingham. Gay shot some excellent stuff of an 18-man circle jerk at Anti-knock, California. Anti-knock is now managed by ex-Blow Fly member, Boob Thompson.
The Starvin Blow Flies team is made up chiefly of refugees from garbage loads and sometimes work with blown lids. They have been buzzing around in a state of recluse lately after coming in 2nd in competition for the 43rd time in two years. But, as Blow Fly member Stall Paul so aptly put it, “A piece of 550 is only as strong as it’s weakest thread, and I’m gonna hang up jumping until I can afford some new threads”. The Flies do plan to come back in the summer, though.
Jerry Bugg’s Small Stars won this year’s Sweepstakes meet held at Smelsomore, and at this writing are basking on big rocks and guzzling Chianti in sunny Yugo. Jerry Bugg informed me that the key to winning any big meet is to stay humble; Sam Salamander and Bob Fooling say the secret is to stay relaxed and never allow oneself to get uptight. Russ Beanfield’s theory is lots of speed, and alternate Donna Sardean says to stir up a big stink and think hate. I wonder where she got that from?
Ho shucks, here it is the 25th of August and still no August magazine. So, instead of going to the printers with what we have, I’m going to skip August, and maybe even September. You will note that this issue does not contain the Nationals article, as I received word from Lyle Camera that it wasn’t worth printing. Besides that, Gyp Morrie and Jogun Sollies didn’t send me any ficks, dammit.
Well, that’s about it for this issue. I was supposed to start writing for the September column July 27th. I’m so far behind I think I’m ahead. But then people have thought I was a head for years.*
* The names and places in this article are purely fictitious. Any similarity to persons living or dead is right on.
Moe La Tar - Don Molitar
Rude Punk – Rod Pack
Loose Anborn – Lew Sanborn
Jockis Tell – Jacques Istel
Joy Ronson – Roy Johnson
Baric Ahor – Eric Bahor
Brown Eddie – Eddie Brown
Insecure Parachute Co. – Security Parachute Co.
P.I. (Parachuting Imbeciles.) – Parachutes Incorporated
Strong Teddy – Ted Strong
Dim Pointer – Dan Poynter
Squatty Hamilton – J. Scott Hamilton
Captain Vague D. Idiot – Capt. Craig D. Elliot
Greg Fudget – Greg Nugent
Chris Rancid – Chris Ranson
Bruce Shrewdsteak – Bruce Cunningham
Jeff Cereals – Jeff Searles
Art Hamstring – Art Armstrong
Graft School of Short Parachuting – Taft School of Sport Parachuting.
Weary Toad – Terry Ward
Snatch Grannyson – Skratch Garrison
Hurl Haley Jr. – Hal Hurley Jr.
Cherry Meyers – Jerry Meyers
Jerry Bugg – Jerry Bird
Lady Bugg – Dianne Bird
Starvin Blow Flies – Arvin Good Guys
Curl Squeamish – Carl Boenish
Smelsomore – Elsinore
Snag Swaggart – Tag Taggart
Normandy Heatin – Norman E. Heaton
Gay Rottingham – Ray Cottingham
Boob Thompson – Bob Thompson
Stall Paul – Tall Paul Gorman
Sam Salamander – Sam Alexander
Bob Fooling – Bob Fueling
Russ Beanfield – Russ Benefiel
Donna Sardean – Donna Wardean
Lyle Camera – Lyle Cameron
Gyp Morrie – Chip Maury
Jogun Sollies – Joe Gonzales